Your Family Already Has a Theme—You Just Haven’t Named It Yet

If you were to invite a complete stranger to your next family reunion—first, apologize to them in advance—but then, ask them to observe.

If they sat quietly in the corner, nursing a lukewarm iced tea while your Aunt Debra argued about the proper way to peel a potato and your cousins reenacted a story from 1998 for the forty-seventh time, what would that stranger see?

We tend to look at our families and see a chaotic collection of individuals. We see the brother who is perpetually late, the grandmother who expresses love through aggressive feeding, and the nephew who won’t look up from his phone. We see the noise.

But as oral historians, we are trained to hear the music beneath the noise. We know that families aren't just genetic experiments gone wrong (or right); they are systems of stories. And like any good collection of stories, your family has a genre. It has a through-line.

Your family has a Theme.

You didn’t invent it. You may not even be fully aware of it. But it is the invisible current pushing your boat in a specific direction. And naming it is the most powerful thing you can do for your legacy.

Listening to the "Greatest Hits"

Every family has a set of "Greatest Hits." These are the stories that get told at every wedding, funeral, and Tuesday night dinner.

You know the ones. Maybe it’s the time Dad accidentally drove the station wagon into a ditch in France. Maybe it’s the story of how Great-Grandma hid the silver in the backyard during the Depression.

We usually treat these stories as mere entertainment—a way to fill the silence while passing the gravy. But an oral historian listens to the Greatest Hits as evidence.

Why this story? Why, out of the millions of hours your family has lived, do you keep returning to the time Uncle Mike fixed the furnace with a piece of chewing gum?

If you listen closely, you’ll realize these stories aren’t just funny; they are instructions.

• The Furnace Story: This isn't about HVAC repair. It’s a story about Ingenuity. It tells the family: “We are the kind of people who figure things out with what we have.”

• The Lost in France Story: This isn't about bad navigation. It’s a story about Chaos. It tells the family: “We are the kind of people who can laugh when everything goes wrong.”

Your family rewards certain behaviors by immortalizing them in stories. Are the heroes in your family lore the ones who worked the hardest? The ones who pulled the best pranks? The ones who kept the secrets?

The Oral History Insight: The stories you repeat are the values you are reinforcing.

Artifacts and Actions: The Silent Evidence

Sometimes, the theme isn't spoken. It’s acted out. To find your theme, you have to look at the "ephemera" of your daily life with a raised eyebrow.

Look at where your family spends its resources—not just money, but time, anxiety, and emotional energy.

I know a family we can call "The Open Door." Their house is never locked. There is always a pot of coffee on. Friends, neighbors, and stray dogs are treated with the same reverence as blood relatives. Their theme is Hospitality. The downside? They have zero boundaries and nobody ever gets a moment of privacy. But they know who they are.

I know another family we can call "The Architects." Not literally, but structurally. They value degrees, credentials, and organized plans. If you have a crisis, they won't hug you, but they will make you a spreadsheet to solve the problem. Their theme is Competence.

Ask yourself: What is my family’s "Default Setting" in a crisis?

• Do you circle the wagons and shut out the world? (Theme: Protection)

• Do you make dark jokes until the scary thing seems smaller? (Theme: Humor)

• Do you immediately start cooking enough lasagna to feed an army? (Theme: Nurture)

Naming the Theme (and Why It’s Scary)

Naming your theme requires a bit of courage because not all themes are "Disney-ready."

Some families are defined by Survival. If your ancestors fled war, poverty, or persecution, your family theme might be a gritty, unyielding Stoicism. The unwritten rule might be: “Don’t complain, just keep moving.” That is a powerful, noble theme. It kept you alive. But it might also be why no one in your family knows how to say "I love you" without feeling awkward.

Some common themes we see in oral history practice:

• The Mavericks: The family that prides itself on being different, weird, or rebellious against the "system."

• The Anchors: The family that has lived in the same town for 100 years and holds the community together.

• The Performers: The family where if you aren’t funny, loud, or talented, you might as well be invisible.

The Power of the Title

So, why bother with this? Why not just eat the potato salad and let the stories wash over you?

Because until you name the theme, you are unconsciously bound by it.

When you can finally say, "Ah, I see. We are a family of Stubborn Builders," two things happen.

1. You feel a sense of belonging. You realize your own stubbornness isn't a personal flaw; it’s an inheritance. You are part of a long line of people who refused to quit.

2. You gain the power to edit.

This is the most important part. If you realize your family theme is "Secrecy"—that you sweep things under the rug to keep up appearances—naming it allows you to stop. You can look at the next generation and say, "The first volume of our history was about Secrecy. I’d like the next volume to be about Honesty."

A Challenge for Your Next Gathering

The next time you are with your people, take a step back. Turn down the volume of your own reactions and just listen.

Look at the artifacts on the walls. Listen to the punchline of the joke your uncle is telling. Watch how your mother reacts when someone spills a drink.

Ask yourself: If this family was a book, what would the title be?

You might find that the title is funny, heartbreaking, or incredibly inspiring. But whatever it is, it’s yours. And once you know the title, you can decide how you want to write the next chapter.

One Small Step You Can Do Today

Would you like specific interview questions you can ask a parent or elder this week to help uncover your family’s underlying theme?

Get your questions here with our OHP Starter Kit